Humphrey loves her some art.
I thought I would serve up my favorite kind of bitchy for last night’s show.
Bitchy, with pictures:
The girls all head down to Miami, to basically get drunk. No one seems to have any qualms to calling it as it is, so props, but negative points for the silly ‘Miami Beach outfits.’ EEK.
So Miami Basel is a big deal. This is true. But it’s not a big deal for these girls to be there. They aren’t working at a fair. They may do a ‘pop-up’ situation (I refuse to say gallery because that would imply that they were showing art. I am pretty sure Chantal’s eyebrows and Claudia were discussing clothes hangers and hanging racks).
So anyway, the EOC girls are going to slouch about in the sun a bit and maybe head to a fair for 5 seconds.
Liz and her dad make me sad. I am always ripping on Maggie from her inability to maintain eye contact with anyone but I have to say Liz was having similar difficulties in this scene with her dad. In any case airing your dirty emotional laundry on this show is probably not going to get your father’s attention, and definitely not any sort of positive attention.
Claudia and Chantal’s eyebrows were so out-of-place and awkward at the Margulies Warehouse. But they did skulk around in perfect slouchy aloofness.
The ravens from Brooklyn’s prime concern seems to be swanning around town in Sex and the City inspired costumes. I am shocked they were able to crawl out from their dark dank caves to bask in the sun. Quick, 50 SPF stat! And make sure it offers broad spectrum protection. And Angela, for someone who likes to show off her lovely lady lumps to the camera men I would think you’d pick a bathing suit with more favorable tan line potential.
AMY GOT FIRED
I told you to put your hair in a pony tail and ditch the Birkin. Sharon saw right through the compliments and brown-nosing.
Sad times but this girl will always be able to turn lemons into lemonade. I know people just like her and they are able to always scrape by on fumes and a smile. Kissing ass goes a long way.
Of course Beefcake came down with Maggie. I love her shoes, BTW, love a good T-strap. Looks like she can’t walk in them though. Beefcake boys are always good to lean on when your feet hurt.
Showdown between the Manhattan girls and the Brooklyn girls. Oh and Claudia’s little quip about Liz not being able to dress herself confuses me. Liz looks fully clothed here…and actually fully clothed well. Claudia, when you try to dish out insults make them a bit better, you know, you have to draw blood. It ain’t good reality TV otherwise. I mean you could go after Liz’s Botox, I have a sneaking suspicion she indulges in that dermatological service.
Sorry for the super late recap on this. I started to find it difficult to regurgitate all the inane silliness of this show but now I’m over it and I’m back on to LOVING this show.
The important narrative points to take away from this episode were: Angela is going to have her big ‘IT GIRL’ party/photography exhibition. Maggie goes home to Pennsylvania where she quietly drowns her sorrows in white wine. She shows some semblance of a spine and goes on some very staged job interviews. Amy throws a dinner party that only Maggie, Kerri and Angela come to. She also puts her foot in it so many ways and times it’s just sad. The EOC girls enlist the services of SUCKLORD. Kerri NEEDS chocolate and Liz doesn’t appear, except to say that she isn’t going to Amy’s dinner party.
So Angela is continuing to flagrantly self promote by hosting a party/exhibit of her photography. In reality it’s just a bad bad student show. She describes her work as exploring solitude and moroseness with pop and a lot of color, which may I point out is completely contradicting, but that’s cool, whatever Angela. She says her photos are about ‘characters that are very lonely,’ is this a glimpse into the sad lonely sole of Angela Pham? I am unsure if the point of this endeavor is ‘look at me!’ or ‘look at my art!’, actually I lie, I am 110% sure that the point of anything Angela does is ‘look at me!’ ’I want to be an it girl and some people might call me a fame whore’ says Angela with such pride. In the process of organizing her ‘event’ Angela complains that one stress is always replaced be a new stress…Yes Angela, that’s called life, get with the program please. And please getting changed in front of the cameraman, showing your boobs isn’t going to solve any of your problems, I promise (has anyone else noticed that Angela manages every episode to flash her titties at the camera in a very weak attempt to look blasé? Cause I have). Angela’s ‘event’ is called ’Totally not Depressed,’ A few reasons why Angela has every right to be depressed; 1. She has bitchy friends who she thinks would make fun of her should she fail. 2. Eli Klein legitimizes her ‘event’ with his presence. 3. One random guy’s supposed approval of one of her photographs justifies the entire endeavor. Oh and BTW, my boyfriend pointed out that Everclear should have been the liquor served at Angela’s ‘event.’ It is more economic and would give Angela much more street cred than vodka. Amen.
Poor Amy. Poor poor Amy. I genuinely feel for this girl. She is so bubbly and up-beat, seemingly very confident and happy but underneath it all I think she is a wreck. Terribly insecure and frightened. She wants to have everyone’s approval and acceptance but doesn’t get that the saccharine sweet incessant twittering of compliments and constant good cheer is mind numbing and SO TRANSPARENT. Of course Liz, miss cool as a cucumber with a biting tongue hates you. Amy decides to host
a smokey mess dinner party, at her parents’ apartment along with her 12 year old brother. No one comes in time for food, god did they dodge a bullet on that one. Maggie and Kerri show some team support and come to Amy’s soiree. Kerri scoffs at the decor and Maggie wisely comments that ’it is her parent’s apartment so maybe she can’t make it her own.’ Angela shows up, ’it wouldn’t hurt to have friends with money who can actually buy my art.’ Clever girl! The EOC bitches could learn a thing or two from you. Amy, who will take anyone’s scraps, is flattered that Maggie, Angela and Kerri came ‘because it means they support my career’…I’m not sure of the logic in that. Amy, it means that Bravo needed you guys all to be in the same room and forced them to come, oh and Angela wants your money.
Amy can’t get anything right this episode (the Magical Elves are really setting her up as the loser of the group). She comes 30 minutes late to a meeting with Sharon Hurowitz (‘my interns are late and not in an endearing way’ ) and some print library curator. Ugh Amy, a nugget of advice, from one prissy blonde to another, when you are going to be late to a professional meeting DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT show up with your hair perfectly coiffed and your Birkin bag on display complaining about commutes in taxis! For the love of God. Your hair serves as an indicator of the time you wasted preening rather than hauling ass to the meeting. Pony tail that shit. The Birkin, starting price $10,000, shows that you are just some rich bitch who doesn’t need this ‘job.’ And come on, you can always blame tardiness on delayed subways. Don’t even mention taxis, EVER.
Over at End of their World gallery Chantal and Claudia court SUCKLORD (Already a member of the Bravo family, Sucklord is from Work of Art. Kudos to Bravo for looking after their own. It’s like the mafia, family is family, and they always look after their own.) for a show. Neither Claudia or Chantal seem very enthusiastic about him which makes it a bit weird that they are working with him…don’t they call the shots at their own lifestyle boutique gallery fashion store, or is Bravo actually pulling some strings? Anywho, Claudia claims Sucklord is more commercial, which doesn’t make any sort of sense. He seems to just produce weird action figures that are more likely to poison your child than provide any sort of artist merit. Claudia actually is pretty funny with him, she just spews sarcasm and dismissive malice all over his face, ‘jewelry and women’s fashion and art so…. chic-flick stuff. Yeah. We listen to Joni Mitchell all day and then cry.’ Claudia dismisses Sucklord as a douche bag, I think that douche NOZZLE (my dad taught me that phrase a few weeks ago, LOVES IT) would be a more apt description. So between Claudia, Chantal’s eyebrows and Sucklord they come up with a plan to make toilet paper, tampons and an occupywall street – like performance. GENIUS, and commercial! They have an opening/performance/theater kids geekfest at EOC and drink cheap red wine and everyone seems happy, but only after Chantal’s eyebrows ask everyone to yell in their inside voices. I think Chantal and Claudia manage to sell some of Sucklord’s tampons and toilet paper and so the night is a raging success.
So this was a big episode for Maggie. She packs up her Prada flats and her beefcake boyfriend’s Wayfarers and head to her mother’s house in Pennsylvania. But don’t worry she called ahead to request that her mother keeps the proseco flowing and the green bean casserole plentiful. There really isn’t much to say about Maggie’s trip home. Her mom seems sweet and her step-dad nice. I will note that Maggie keeps an IV of white wine tapped into her vein the entire visit. Her parents try to discuss her life with her and she just clams up and keeps her eyes glued to the floor, or her wine glass or some distant spot in the corner of the room, anywhere but anyone’s face. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL! Will eye contact immediately sear your retinas? Will you spontaneously combust if you speak directly to someone? No wonder this girl is still an intern. She is the mousiest quietest little thing I have ever seen. It is so painful to me. Anyway Maggie does manage to squeak out that she thinks her future is in NYC and not on her mother’s sofa, even if she can’t get a job. After her weekend at home Maggie picks herself up and goes to 2 job interviews at other galleries. These interview segments serve as a great tutorial in how NOT to interview, of course. Maggie mumbles her way through the interviews. Again avoiding eye contact and generally coming off as a spineless little girl. When asked what she has learned during her 3 year internship at Eli Klein Fine Art she fails to come up with a single response, not one! Not even ‘sleeping with the boss will ensure you the role of gallery bitch for at least 2 years.’
And in conclusion of the episode Kerri and Amy meet up for a coffee. Kerri is hardcore PMS’ing and repeats about 400 times that she wants chocolate. Please that girl is too skinny too ever eat chocolate. Truth. Amy ‘takes some initiative’ and ‘delegates’ work to Kerri by throwing note cards at her with a list of menial tasks for her to complete so Amy can head to Dorian’s a bit earlier. Kerri, who has been taking notes from all of those catty teenage girl TV shows immediately runs to Sharon Hurowitz and rats out Amy’s delegation of tasks. Sharon is not impressed, ’this is why I’m glad I’m not 20 anymore.’ And that wraps it up.
‘Views from W 35th’s supplemental Gallery Girls post for Views from W 4th’
Let me start by saying that somebody needs to yank this show off the air and give Liz’s aesthetician from last night’s episode her own show in its place. The woman almost makes me want to get a wax, almost. Definitely makes me want to watch her giving them.
That aside, I realized that if I take the time to form coherent sentences that I am proud of to describe my reactions to this stupid show I will forever regret the time wasted, so instead here are some observational fragments about this clearly manipulated for TV ‘reality’ mess.
please God somebody kill off Chantal, this is the most annoying gallery girl
painful watching Claudia try to get Chantal on board to do some work down at Art Basel, Chantal’s arguments are as deflective and nonsensical as Dina Lohan’s interview with ‘Dr.’ Phil today. And Chantal made me want to punch her in the face as much as Dr. Phil was inciting an overwhelming urge within myself to find him and curb stomp him (don’t worry Phil, I’m a pacifist. I believe firmly in keeping our hands to ourselves, you’re just such an ego-maniacal hypocrite and you know it)
I love hate watching Chantal cry over the suggestion that they do anything to try to advance their business goals down in Miami besides eat at Michelin star restaurants on funds not coming from their gallery which has never sold shit but some bracelets while Claudia’s parents are bank rolling the whole gallery as a kind of babysitter or Marie Antoinette peasant’s farm circa 2012 East Village for their adult daughter and her obnoxious friends to play in.
I would have felt even better spending this amount of time thinking about that stupid clip if it weren’t so obviously set up, the dead give away - that the scene opens with Chantal talking about researching the Michelin restaurants, even for reality TV a touch of subtlety can go a long way, but somebody at Bravo forgot to mention that to the producers of this mess
Angela is actually starting to grow on me, as is Claudia, but only because they are shown interacting with Chantal so often which makes anyone else’s personality seem winning by default
speaking of Angela, and of subtlety for that matter, the self promotion is getting to be a bit much, we get it, you take awful pictures, I missed that episode and I still get it, and jumping all over that pop up before Claudia even gave the go ahead that she wanted to do it. Reeks of desperation and made me very sad / schadenfreude gloat that I’m not THAT bad myself / maybe secretly jealous but with sprinkles of indifference and pure spite
also, speaking of earlier said pop up, in Chantal’s defense (I know, let’s already try to forget that I had to just say that) Claudia’s idea to do a pop up last minute in Miami doesn’t make any sense to anyone who does or doesn’t know anything at all about Art Basel, like myself.
Poorly misguided, desperate, innocent, pleading, needy Amy (who, did anyone else smell the blood in the water tonight? I think she might have been unceremoniously pre ejected from this train wreck before it’s even leaving the station. If so, lucky for her, let’s wait and see) The pop up still wouldn’t be a venue that had anything to do with Art Basel and in all likelihood wouldn’t be anywhere near Art Basel. The whole pop up debate was a for TV only argument on both sides, I strongly suspect.
Amy, poor Amy, watching her trying to talk to Kerri on ‘super speed I hold no grudge, see I’m a nice girl, I’m interesting, look at me, I’m normal, we’re cool right? ‘ mode was painful and joyous voyeurism. Also her voice, and her look and that puppy dog thing …
Maggie, whose looks annoy me for some reason I can’t put my finger on, but nevertheless is pretty enough (I’m sure W4th probably disagrees with me on this pretty enough point), impressed me in tonight’s episode by standing behind Liz at a party and looking very short. I really didn’t realize that she was THAT small, you go girl!
Liz with the daddy issues, also sad, airing her emotionally neglected adult child baggage on TV to get back at her dad is pretty sad for all involved. Somebody give that girl a hug and tell her that maybe some day things are going to be okay.
and last but least of these gallery tricks (unfortunately because she seems to be the most genuine and grounded of the bunch, but what do I know, most genuine on reality TV probably translates to most fake and manipulative in real life ) is Kerri, and I say the least because when it comes to reality TV there really is no place for genuine or grounded let alone both. At the end of the day, Chantal and her systematic dismantling of the hope of a theoretical future good reputation that she could only dream of is the bloodier, higher casualties carrying, and thus more fascinating, flaming, imminently exploding train-wreck cargo car of them all on this giant catastrophe of a show.
Last things last, despite everything that I’ve just said/written, in all honestly I really don’t like to judge people and I try not to, (also, another aside, if you don’t want to be judged for sport, don’t clamor all over yourself to make your life into a reality TV show, it comes with the pedestal, and I will gladly accept any thank you offerings that any of you, yes that’s YOU Chantal, Amy, Angela, Claudia, Kerri, Liz or Maggie Mouse want to bestow upon me in gratitude for even acknowledging any of your reality trick existences online in any way at all) but further more I honestly feel that every human being is truly beyond judgement in actuality because no matter what I or anyone else says, we are each a unique gift that adds to the fabric of this world through all of our attributes, good as well as bad, no matter how much someone else does or doesn’t understand us, does or doesn’t try to, or truly doesn’t think there is a single redeeming quality about us, so, that being said, it is very difficult for me to say that I do not think that Kerri’s (and Amy’s former) boss’s rainbow dress worked, BUT also maybe it did. The jury is still out for me (always is) because part of me believes that there is no such thing as a bad painting or a bad outfit, but if there actually is such a thing as either, this dress might be it, or even both.
until next time, W 4th’s friend who has nothing substantive to say about this show (can anything substantive be said by anyone about this show? I mean, come on) but managed to write way too much about it anyway, AKA views from west 35th
Amy got drunk. Chantal still slouches. Maggie did not have sex with Eli, yet.
Nothing has changed at Eli Klein Gallery, Maggie is still the gallery bitch. Today she gets to count pebbles in some dead bonsai tree pots. Meanwhile Liz goes out for dinner with Eli. He sleazes on for the entirety of the meal about how smart he was to open a gallery at the height of the art market bubble in 2007 and show exclusively bubble dependent Chinese art. He has obviously got some other form of income. Liz doesn’t care about any of it anyway. She eats her gluten free meal. Later when Liz brings Baby Jane aka Jane Holzer, important collector, to the gallery Eli asks Maggie to tend to the dogbowl outside the gallery. Maggie is mortified that Baby Jane sees her perform such a menial task. EARTH TO MAGGIE, Jane Holzer doesn’t know or care who you are, so it doesn’t matter what she sees you doing. When Maggie is introduced to Jane she doesn’t exactly wow her with charm and charisma, instead she stares at the floor and mumbles.
The slouching monotone nymphets of Williamsburg are installing some blue smudgy paintings at End of Century. Claudia looks deeply concerned and harrowed (this is becoming her signature look) and Chantal has her smart girl hipster glasses on, she means business today. Ethan Cook the artist is hailed by Chantal and Claudia as ‘smart and satirical.’ ‘His work is genius…mind bogelling.’ In fact his blue smudgy paintings are so profound that Chantal just doesn’t ‘get it at all,’ despite her smart girl glasses. To be honest his work looks like one of the drippy drapey dresses one of the EOC girls would wear. It turns out they haven’t even set prices for the work or discussed with the artist how they will split any of the unlikely profits. Claudia’s parents should have asked for a business plan before lending $15,000. It’s their own fault if they don’t see a penny of that loan ever returned. It’s gong show there. Later in the episode EOC hosts a trunk show for a jewelry designer. Chantal has the ‘epiphany’ that setting up a sale station might help them make some sales! I hope Claudia’s parents weren’t counting on the $15,000. Kerri shows up with a shirtless man in a kilt and eyeliner. She tries to quote Karl Lagerfeld, something about being able to go uptown and downtown. Kerri is obviously very versatile.
This episode we get to see more of Liz’s personal life. She discusses her reckless past, cocaine and clubbing, like any healthy rich girl would. Liz cooks lobsters at her apartment with her mom (BTW her chihuahua is the same size as the lobsters! I love it!). Liz and her mom talk about Liz’s past and her penchant for escargot as a 3 year old. She also used to play hide and seek on Noguchis and Miros, none of those boring jungle-gyms for this little princess. The art gods never forgot her bratty antics (crawling on sculptures is sacrilege) and someone mysteriously stomps on her collage in class at School of Visual Arts. What goes around comes around Liz, sorry.
Unfortunately Liz’s partying came at the cost of her father’s trust and admiration. They have an awkward dinner. No vacation this year. It’s actually legitimately sad when Liz says that she isn’t her dad’s favorite girl anymore. Liz seems to be in control of her life and on a good track. But agreeing to be on a reality TV show probably didn’t do her any favors in her father’s opinion. I like her the most out of any of the girls on the show. I must mention that Liz is the only one who seems vaguely interested in art for art’s sake and not for the glamour of it. She actually hangs some of her own paintings in her apartment.
Oh and Angela…Angela, Angela, Angela. She’s been living in Brooklyn for 3 years and still isn’t the IT girl. She waitresses and anyone who knows anything, knows that Angela is not meant to serve burgers. She ain’t going to do that anymore. This episode we discover that Angela has bigger aspirations than just being a hipster, she is going to be freelance party photographer in a sexy Clint Eastwood outfit! Hat and poncho included. She scampers off to an ‘arts and music fair’ in DUMBO to take photos of Chantal and Claudia slouch. Angela gleefully cries ‘ it’s free with cool young beautiful people, and I’m here!’ Later she plays out her long time fantasy of having an affair with a middle aged man having a midlife crisis. She goes on a date with Peter, a middle aged yuppie, who wears non-ironic but rather functional eyeglasses. Angela turns her nose up at him for shooting photos in film. She’s a digital only type of gal. Iphones and Gmail accounts need only apply (may I just ask, how do all of these starving hipsters afford their smartphone bills? I think those data plans are being subsidized). Lucky for Peter he’s not Angela’s type. He’ll survive to live another day, if you can call life without a smartphone any kind of life at all. We also discover Angela’s masterplan for becoming the IT GIRL. She’s going to host a party (I think in Miami) and it is going to make her BUZZ WORTHY. Oh and maybe she’ll show some of her party pics to make it artistically relevant. genius.
Art fair time with Kerri and Amy. Sharon Hurowitz brings her two interns to the fair and quickly dispatches them. She obviously doesn’t want them pestering her when she’s with a client. The girls are sent on a mission to find 1 piece of art that they like which will let Sharon know if they have any taste. Amy claims to have an edge because she has been to an art fair before. Kerri says she can prove she has ‘an eye’ out of shear determination and hard work. I love that this segment is treated as a scavenger hunt, as if it’s hard to find art at an art fair. That’s like telling someone to try to find sand at a beach. Art fairs are an assault on the senses, there is so much art it hurts. Kerri and Amy look around. Amy rushes off to Dorian’s, the Upper East Side bastian for preppy alcoholics and frat boys with separation anxiety. At Dorian’s Amy gets wastey faced (finally some one disgraces themselves a bit!) and tells Maggie that she’s rich enough to date a poor guy. I believe she mumbles something about being in the mob. Maggie is just relieved that people from Brooklyn are barred at the door at Dorian’s. Maggie leaves Amy at the bar, sinking her claws into some sweater vest clad boy. The next day Amy and Kerri meet Sharon for art fair show and tell. Amy’s makeup is smeared under her eyes…probably still drunk from Dorian’s. Amy could only find some Damien Hirst print (an obvious choice, Amy is a label whore) at the fair, Sharon is not impressed. Kerri describes some piece made out of trash bags, (so often art seems to be justified by its story not by its quality or content) Sharon approves.
Stay tuned for next week.
Is Angela willing to forgo pants in the name of fame?
Will Amy get laid?
Will Maggie have a nervous break down at work and poison the gallery’s dogbowl?